Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
I wish I could explain the emotions this song wakes in me…if I had to make a list of the things that helped my sudden ‘awakening’ to pay tribute to…this song would be in the top ten…along with losing our baby on 20 weeks, seeing my grandmother for the first time in four years and hardly being able to spend anytime time with her or my ‘mommy’ due to work, and whole bunch of other things…life’s funny like that I guess…those ‘aha’ moments hit you anywhere…
I use to be quite cold when it came to ‘personal shit’ (as someone so eloquently put it) at the office – believing that having a job, especially one that paid well and took care of you, in these trying times, was something to be extremely grateful for…and that having a bad attitude, or a jaw dropping sense of entitlement about everything, or making your problems everyone else’s, including the company’s, was an instant red alert for me, waking my inner-bitch and having her stand at attention every time you step into my bubble…do your job, properly, no excuses – that’s what I wanted, because that’s what everyone got from me.
Until the year 2014 came and knocked my hard-working, ladder-climbing, ambitious-self right on her ass…and kinda left me wondering ‘ok, so if not this…then what?’
Why do we work from 7am to ‘whenever-everything-is-done’pm? To drive the nice cars we drive, to stay in our nice houses, to buy our kids the best? To be stressed and have our limits tested each and every day? I thrive under pressure…it brings out the best and most efficient side of me, and ‘getting it done’ was my drug of choice. But why?…
Is it worth giving up so much for it…?
Having a star athlete and sportsman for a son, but not even being able to make it to half of his events and see his achievements, only the trophies in the case…?
Being over the moon when you find out you’re pregnant, then being almost too afraid to tell anyone because ‘what about work’…getting sick, but still going to work, until you eventually land in hospital having to give birth to an almost-baby who’s heart couldn’t make it in your stressed out body…?
What price is too high?…
And that’s when the realization hit me…Life’s a game made for everyone…And love is the prize
And I already had that, plenty of it! I have an amazing husband that loves me to the moon and back, amazing sons, with so much potential and love! A wonderful family, a farm and crazy dogs…and an amazing love of stories and the gift to write them…what more do I want/need…nothing! All I needed to do was appreciate it, and soak it up…and let it take me to where ever I am supposed to be…
All this time I was finding myself
…And I didn’t know I was lost
So then that’s what I’m doing…where ever it takes me.