(updated version of previous post – one year later)
Do you believe in Karma?
And when our world shattered around us, all I could think was, ‘what pain I must have caused to others to deserve this’.
But not every bad thing that we experience in life is just bad …
… though we have to try to move past the pain, not allowing it to consume us to such an extent that we miss the lesson … or the tiny, shimmering, silver lining.
There is always a lesson. And if you believe there is beauty in the world, then there is always a silver lining.
Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
I wish I could explain the emotions this song wakes in me … if I had to make a list of the things that helped my sudden ‘awakening’ – (that sounds so peaceful and spiritual, and so much better than life body-slammed me into awakening – though the latter description is definitely what it actually felt like) – to pay tribute to, this song would be in the top ten … along with, seeing my grandmother for the first time in four years and hardly being able to spend anytime time with her or my ‘mommy’ due to work, finishing my final exams (passing with a distinction – whoopwhoop) and not even being able to celebrate and enjoy it … and the most hear-breaking of all, losing our baby on 20 weeks … life’s funny like that I guess … those ‘aha’ moments hit you anywhere…
I use to be quite cold when it came to ‘personal shit’ (as someone so eloquently put it) at the office – believing that having a job, especially one that paid well and took care of you, in these trying times, was something to be extremely grateful for. And that having a bad attitude, or a jaw dropping sense of entitlement about everything, or making your problems everyone else’s, including the company’s, was an instant red alert for me, waking my inner-ice-queen and having her stand at attention every time you step into my bubble … do your job, properly, no excuses – that’s what I wanted, because that’s what everyone got from me.
Until the year 2014 came and knocked my hard-working, ladder-climbing, ambitious-self right on her ass … and kinda left me wondering ‘ok, so if not this…then what?’
Why do we work from 7am to ‘whenever-everything-is-done’pm? To drive the nice cars we drive, to stay in our nice houses, to buy our kids the best? To be stressed and have our limits tested each and every day? I thrive under pressure, it’s actually scary to see in action, or so I’ve heard, but it brings out the best and most efficient side of me, and ‘getting it done’ was my drug of choice. But why?…
Is it worth giving up so much for …?
Do we even realise what we’re giving up when we’re there? …
I know now I never really knew the extent of what I was giving up …
Having a star athlete and sportsman for a son, but not even being able to make it to half of his games and events to see his achievements and share in the joy and pride of his accomplishments, only the trophies in the show case his dad built …?
Deciding after fulfilling a long dream of finishing my studies, that we were going to add to our family, hopefully a finger-wagging-foot-stomping little sister for the boys. And being over the moon when we find out we’re pregnant, but then being almost too afraid to tell anyone because ‘what about work?’ So you plan and rejoice almost in secret, like a hushed version of what it is supposed to feel like at that time, because you assume that you will have the time to rejoice and enjoy the moment eventually.
… then getting sick, but still going to work, until eventually landing in hospital, three days before my 30th birthday, having to give birth to an almost-baby who’s heart couldn’t make it in my stressed out body …
I will never forget the earth-shattering pain I not only felt, but saw in my husband’s eyes as he sat next to me for an entire day and night, holding my hand and feeling completely helpless … losing a piece of yourself you know you will never again be able to get back or replace …
What price is too high? …
What else did you miss out on or experience in the ‘hushed mode’ because you were so sure that you had time …
And that’s when the realization hit me …
Life’s a game made for everyone … And love is the prize!
And I already had that, plenty of it! I have an amazing husband that loves me to the moon and back, amazing sons, with so much potential and love! A wonderful family, a farm and crazy dogs … and an amazing love of stories and the gift to write them!
What more do I want or need?
All I needed to do was appreciate it, and soak it up … experience every blessed moment in the bright, full colour, noise filled package it came in, and let it take me to where ever I am supposed to be…
All this time I was finding myself
…and I didn’t know I was lost.
So then that’s what I’m doing…where ever it takes me.
Today one year ago I woke up on the day of my 30th Birthday … one I had always imagined would be a HUGE and long celebration, the beginning of the next chapter of adulthood – I was after all officially a part of the matured grown ups now 😉.
…but instead I woke up and realised it was only day 3 after leaving the hospital … without you.
The empty feeling that was so vivid and raw in the waking hours was still all I could focus on…
We miss you every day! And though we have made peace with our loss and understand that all things happen for a reason…and that you had an amazingly special reason…It doesn’t always make the longing or pain in the dark hours any easier.
But here we are none the less, one year later … and our lives have drastically changed!
I retired my ambitious, ladder-climbing corporate self, quit my job, and started an entire new adventure, while never again missing out on time with the boys or their activities.
Two published books with at least 5 more in the pipe – line, a magazine and subscription gift box about to launch … and an entire new dream and outlook on life! … you did that.
…you would have been 7 months old…probably keeping us up at night, ruling the house and charming the pants off your dad and brothers…
You are in our hearts always and will forever be remembered at the most important turning point in our lives.
Love always …
I would also like to thank all my family and friends, and even the random, wonderfully-kind-hearted strangers, for sticking with me and the boys through the last year and a bit; through the good times and the bad, the highs and the really really lows … I could not have done any of this without you!